Monday, December 7, 2009

Angkor Apsara : An Indelible beauty of history


Angkor Apsara : An Indelible beauty of history


The moment I landed in Siem Reap , I felt this is the place I was searching for so many years. I loved the milieu. But I agree they don’t like Indians. Why?? Because Indians don’t take guides like the other people to visit Hindu temples. Cambodia is really in a deep shit. They have already declared national food emergency but still the 100 years old stony sculptures give you a feeling of great and prosperous history. In present these thousand years old temples are the bread and butter of the Government. Cambodian people are really good. Though not like Thailand or Bali but yes, they have their own charm.
The driver was waiting for me outside the airport. A gentle middle aged person, having a name board of mine, was waiting for me. This service is free from the guest house which I booked for 5 days. I know, you guys are thinking that five days have too many seconds to spend in that place, may be in some sense you are correct but it was hardly sufficient time for an amateur director, like me, to make a documentary on Angkor Wat . I took the videos of Angkor Wat and all other near by temples. Also I spent a day in Mekong Delta , digested great cockroach snacks and crocodile lunch.

But I am not in a mood to talk about all this boring stuffs. Every traveler is doing the same thing in Angkor for last 20-30 years. I explored Angkor through a different set of eyes. The eyes of a history lover but very soon “history” got replaced by my “virginity”.I know you are surprised. But It is fact. My hooded eyes relinquished myself in front of the 2500 topless Apsara sculptures. I am sorry Mr. Jayavarman VII, the king who built most of Angkor Wat. Please excuse me. Life and time has changed. I really envy you and your system which gave you the permission to have more than 3000 beautiful Apsaras in your palace. My mother is not that good .She will like kill me even she gets the fact that I am jealous with you. Indian mothers are like that only. Once I asked my mother “you got married when you were 19 .You enjoyed your life in the best time and think about me. Just because I am not interested to get married, does it mean I will be forbidden from everything?” She frowned and squinted at me through her high power glasses just like a strict school head mistress and murmured “I have got 3 girls photo. You have to finalize by today”. I hate dead lines.
 
For a bag packer like me Angkor was a cultural relief. The stony Apsaras became live in front of me and I started playing with those coquettish beauties. I asked them to give me a good back massage, to play some old love snuggle games and thousands of love stories of their time. Cambodians had a relationship with the present Thailand in those days also, sometimes like a friend & sometimes as an enemy. I found so many Thai Apsara dancers in the topmost gallery. They are different than the others, in look, in hair style and in posture. They are fairly plump comparing to the Cambodian ones. Hindu priests had a tough rule in Angkor Wat . Only senior most Brahmins got the opportunity to reach to the final gallery. Then how come the Thai girls got portrayed in such a prestigious place?? That’s why the Cambodian Apsaras don’t talk to those Thai ones. Once I was passing through a lonely corridor crammed with so many Apsaras , I saw one of them was trying to give a dancing shrug. I went to see her. A very old , wet smell was teasing my nose. She put her beautiful hand near my right ear and whispered “They behave well but they are the betrayers. They killed our king. Don’t talk to them ” . I smiled and waved “Madam, in this bloody earth hardly there is a country when people love and behave well with Indians. I am sorry for your king but they did not look bad to me. They are just like you.” She jostled with a polite anger. It was funny. Obviously she did not like me but I created my image.
Next day when I went to visit other temples, every where I heard the stones were whispering about me. Sometime it was irritating. But every time they ended their talk with a cute short laugh. I never heard such beautiful sounds in my life. I punished one of them differently. I went close to her just to take a photo, touched the face & the healthy breasts, scrunched the open navel. She was dying in shame. My hand was roaming casually over her soft skin. An Indelible beauty of history. She melted and that gave me the inaudible permission to travel further. I reached her back. I could not resist grasping her one globe in my hand and pulling her closer to me. She raised her leg , wrapping it around my hip . I can still feel the hit of her month, moist stony skin surrounding me.

I liked the exploration, listening to her rapid breathing, the way her body shrugged responses without saying her anything. She panted as if she was fighting for a breathe. Fool camera !!! could not capture these moments. She breathed deep on my shoulder and again became stone. I could hear the desperate whisper among the neighbor stones while I was leaving. Then three days I visited all near by temples, searched the same face . I think the artists knew that after 1200 years one guy would come from India and fall in love with one of their wonderful creation. That’s the reason they made her unique. I could not find another such an immortally beautiful face.


Last day I took time to study Angkor. I took 500 photos and 2 hrs of video. Sun said good bye. I could not notice. Suddenly a bunch of black, young, chubby clouds came as a sudden death of sun light. My Camera gave up. Auto night vision started working. I stopped it to save the battery .I glanced on the sky . The old , scattered library ruins were looking dark . It was drizzling. I packed my all technical stuffs and took the stairs. The clouds were fast on the sky. The whole thousand Buddhas’ gallery became dark. I was walking slowly through the wet , old stony stairs. The only leaving beast was me in the world’s biggest Hindu temple. Suddenly somebody pulled my hand. I got scared and turned my head. It was a shock. Those three Thai Apsaras were standing in front of me with an incredibly innocent smile on their faces. Before I would react something, they rolled their eyes on me and whispered “you are the guy we have been searching for last 600 years. Follow us.” They disappeared in the darkness. I was not very much sure what I saw was real or not. They hypnotized me. I followed them and their giggle landed me in a long dark corridor. I was hardly able to see anything. Only some abated light . That’s also was too far. Bad things came my mind. They controlled my foot steps. I stopped. My heart started talking with my brain.



“No one lady, yes one lady is there.” I became mobile again. One step was just like a decade for me. I was becoming stone. I felt enumerable number of Apsaras watching me. The light was becoming brighter and brighter. I stuck after sometime. Her face became visible. That unique creation of old artists, that same girl I loved in the temple. She jumped on me and rested on my chest. I was feeling like I did not even have a shy bone in my body. My all Indian orthodox & hypocrisy emotions were brushed away. My manliness was burning off the excess energy. I kissed her chin. She smiled and murmured “Wait . I am coming”.

That’s it. I heard a sudden dark, loud voice and everything vanished.

“Whose there?? Temple is closed. What you are doing??? “

Police were shouting on me. They thought I was trying to steal the sculptures. Poor police did not even know what I stole from Angkor Wat .


Next day morning I took the first flight from Siem Reap to Jakarta, Indonesia. I was working there. All the historical loving drama was still dizzying my mind. I took a taxi from the airport and preparing to become the same old profession duck in next one hour. It was running heaving outside. While I was trying to shut the taxi window, I saw one very familiar, beautiful lady waiting in the bus stand anxiously. I asked the driver to stop. I already understood who she was. I went to her and asked “Are you ok. I know you Katrina (famous Bollywood Actress). You need any help.”

Her Engel deep eyes cried “I have a shooting here but I lost everything on the taxi. Even my passport. Can you please help me?”




Tuesday, November 24, 2009

An American Affair : Great "Magic bullet" look


An American Affair: Catharine, Adam &
John F. Kennedy


I don’t know anything about John F. Kennedy except the magic bullet stuff. I heard Marilyn Monroe committed suicide for him .That’s really too much to digest, at least for an Asian. Anyway, even without any knowledge about American history, the movie “An American affair” is fully enjoyable. Audience will watch
the story through the eyes of a 13 years old kid , Adam . He was just a normal kid studying in a Christian Missionary school and having normal attractions about simple things. Thousand of curiosities and little confusions about illogical things were the bricks and mortar of his imaginary world. His parents were journalists. The movie perfectly portraits the American political instability in that period. Even one character cracked a joke “ is there any life in Washington without politics ??” Unanswered answer “No”. I will say, director tried to embellish it too much. In anywhere in this world, irrespective of year & date, intellectual people talk like that only. Movie starts its story when the kid became fascinated about his “Girl next door”. A middle aged lady, artist, loves to capture nature, different shades of life in her pictures.

Catharine did like to destroy any type of perfect form, figures of life. No doubt the character entered in the screen with a haze of mysteries. Mystery started climbing through a convex curve. Suddenly in one evening Adam discovered Jhon F. Kennedy at her door in an emotional moment. The camera angels through the window and the behavior of the body guards created a perfect secrecy for the scene. It was a dame need. New links about Catharine’s life started becoming clear. She had a son. Why & how she lost him are not clear and not needed also. Through the eyes of a young kid the director tried to analyze the bloody politics. Catharine had lots of contacts. All big shots. They loved her. I am not sure she loved them or not but yes , she gave herself. But why??? May be she was confused, May be she was lonely. All these questions are unanswered and that makes the movie more interesting. With time Adam’s attraction became affection. It is not right to call it love. Because his kiddy mind was very much aware about love, kiss and sex. He tried to have a girl friend but the failure compelled him more towards Catharine.


Movie perfectly describes the unstable situation of Washington DC in 1952. Contrast creates beauty. In one hand the audience will face the ugly side of politics and on the other hand , they will nurture the cuteness and innocence of Adam. I really liked the evening scene. Adam got caught by Catharine’s ex-husband while his eyes were flying through the windows her house and forcefully entered in the house. The milieu was great. Catharine was having wine with her friends. Dim yellow light like life had lost its strength. Classical Indian music was a great addition in that calm atmosphere. Husband did not like it. He was dunk and started shouting. It became very awkward for Catharine when he begged her to come back in front of everyone. She realized her husband is giving her a hint that she was just a prostitute for Jhon F Kennedy, like the thousand others of white house. She was stoned by these words. Sometimes in life, you want to keep few things only in your subconscious mind. The emotional vibration which originated from her deep heart, touched the eye shadows, “Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore”. She waved ,” You cant hurt me anymore Graham , not you, not your Government , no one can touch me.” Surprised Adam was standing at the corner of the room. Two matured people were shouting for love but he could only feel love between them.

Catharine was really close to Kennedy. It became clear to Adam but it hardly mattered to him. Adam’s childish mind could not understand the depth and real meaning of her relationship with the president. She got used by her husband and the bad people who were planning to kill Kennedy. She used to write all her words in a diary which Adam took wrongly in a very critical scene. She was having sex with “one” of her boy friends and Adam was watching that from the cupboard. His eyes were wet and shocked. She caught him but said “don’t be ashamed of being excited. Just don’t do it again.”

The bad Cuban killed Kennedy. Whole Country was crying. Catharine tried her best but it was his fate. The murders were scared of only one thing. That diary. She had written everything in that. They were searching for it madly. Ultimately they got it from Adam’s house and in front of him, they burnt it. Adam understood something bad was going to happen but it was too late. He was coming to meet and tell the thing to Catharine but in the subway , her dead body was lying alone. Blood was coming out from her head. Eyes were open.

Director compared her last moments with big condolence ceremony of Kennedy. Catharine at least got a pure love. The last scene was great. Adams got a present from Catharine Cowel. It was an artistic love which was indifferent of fate, time & form. Curtain dropped. An old jazzy number slowly captured the wind.

“Why does by my heart go on beating
Why do eyes of mine cry “

Thursday, October 1, 2009

RAKHI SAWANT : Show some self respect


Indian TV channels : Best place for frustrated Males

These days Indian TV has become a battle ground of reality shows. After 9 pm. please switch on the TV set and educate yourself about "how Indian girls abuse each other", "how they take bath"," what are their expectations from marriage" etc. I am not at all gender biased. Guys are also getting chances to scatter their self respect on the celluloid but the focus is on the female “parts”. Media should be the mirror of your society. Anybody, trying to create a key hole in the society, should be very much visible in that media-mirror. But Indian media has changed. Now it has become that “key hole” creating guy. I can still remember my childhood days when my parents used to say “Hindi cinema has become so vulgar, it is impossible to watch the recent Bollywood movies with kids”. Now it is difficult to watch TV channels even with your friends, provided you are not a gay.



Your evening will get the first time bomb when a creature called Rakhi sawant will come on your TV screen to find her husband. The drama is called Sayambar .This is not a “new” thing in Indian history. 500-600 years ago it used to be a custom in India. Old India was not as orthodox & hypocrite as the present. We used to believe in freedom irrespective of the gender. The King used to invite all his neighbor princes to his palace and the princess used to get the privilege to choose the one she liked most. (Over the time the custom remained same but the procedure changed. Now the guys go to the “brides'” house but it is in their hands if they want to take it forward. That’s something called arranged marriage).Please note one point, whole thing will be called by the King not by his daughter.Rakhi Swant (female) thought to start a new tradition for some cheap publicity & fame. It is not new for her. People have seen so many item dancers in their life but such a shameless slut may be first time.



12000 self respect less guys sent their CV to the Channel and from those 13 got selected to be harassed in front of the camera. Now they have to prove themselves through so many eliminating rounds. Sometimes they dance and touch Rakhi, Rakhi tries to feel that whose touch she is liking most, Sometimes they crack jokes and do cheap oiling on Rakhi , Rakhi checks who’s massage is working etc etc. I liked one guy in that list. He is handsome and smart. He just waits for the chance and kisses Rakhi. He does it in such a moment that no one can stop him. Its like, you are getting nature call when your hands are tide with ropes and only one human is around who is a rapist. After that he becomes a mamma’s boy and ask for sorry from everyone. Other people start shouting on him like anything. But he will remain cool, just like an obedient husband’s cry “it was purely impulse driven baby (angry wife), I will never buy a whisky of 1000 $ in my whole life”.



Rakhi liked it all the times in both ways .All the guys were shouting for her when she was getting kissed by that handsome guy. But I agree with you Rakhi . In a country like India where everyday girls are getting raped , killed , slaughtered like anything , there a cheap girl like you are getting a Handsome kiss and people are protesting against it , is really a dream come true .I know few of my seniors , they last kissed their wives when they got their second child who is grade 5 now. Leave that shit.



The show became really hot when Rakhi went to native places of the top 5 selected guys. I got really surprised when I saw one of the guy’s sister was asking for Rakhi’s tips to become like her. Oh My God. Does she know the level of videos Rakhi Sawant has done in her struggling days??? Even in this male dominated India, it is very difficult to become as famous as Rakhi Sawant with that ugly face. Now you can understand what she has done to take down the focus from Face to B****. Rakhi worth spending. I am feeling pity for those female artists who invested in share market before Sep’08.

In the middle of the show few advertisements will come. No doubt all frustrated men now in front of the TV, so condom is the best thing to offer. My 4 years of analytical mind can understand that without “pulling” any data. Few other things will also come .Be cautious. One girl starts shouting on another girl in a language which may be the cheapest to express your emotions in English or Hindi. I don’t feel bad for those girls but I feel sympathy for those guys who will get married with these Surpanakhas (One old lady demon in Hindu mythology). Suddenly on girl will start taking bath in a jungle . Its like my soul has got the eyes and has entered in the girls’ bathroom. My “Bihari” roomy always watches that show and waits for the “shower moment “.One day he asked me “the anchor looks really good , will she also take bath in the show.” I waved,” depends on the producer’s mood. If his wife has satisfied him last night then “No” or today you will be double lucky. “ . That show is called “Is jungle se Mujhey Bacho” (Rescue me from this jungle).



Advertisement is over; we are again in Rakhi’s show. Now the climax, 3 grooms are waiting, Rakhi has got her big garment and thinking whom to choose. A great tension. I am also waiting anxiously, like they will make the next show on “Rakhi ka Suhag Raat “(first night of Rakhi) and the hero is getting selected now. Again dollar wins over rupee. Rakhi has chosen the Canadian guy (of course migrant).But the twist was, “we want to know each other more. I can marry him now only but we want to wait. Please give us your blessing”.

Well done Rakhi , You f***** so many hours of whole India and still they don’t ban you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Lucky Umbrella


God can you hear me, here I am changing its life


It’s monsoon in Chennai, south India. After a long waiting, I think God has got time to look at India. Thanks God. Today when I came to office in the morning, it was raining cats and dog. I closed my wet umbrella and put it in my plastic bag. I know most of will not suggest that. Actually I am bit jealous with my umbrella. Basically, all of my Male colleagues come by their cars and so they don’t carry any umbrella. Picture is different for females. They come by busses and they have lovely, colourful umbrellas. This week two days I have seen my umbrella covered by 4-5 beautiful lady umbrellas drying their Water on the floor. In India always poets have their nasty thoughts about wet female figure. Frankly speaking, I am not a poet but yes I also have same thoughts. But the fact is, I can only see them in dreams. I don’t even have a girl friend, actually I never had.So, people like me has spent money to buy an umbrella and that bloody umbrella (whose life is actually in my hand) will get such a beautiful ,wet female company ???? It is not going to happen. God can you hear me, here I am changing its life. You can’t stop me.

May be the ladies umbrellas are in wet bikini, may be they are having nasty talks. who knows !!! Shit Man. If the owner is not getting such a wonderful life , umbrella will also not . And I have done it.

God: What the f*** are you talking about???, Me: You heard me.

These days I don’t dry my umbrella on the floor , even I think drying umbrella is not a good idea at all. Ladies have a tendency to put their umbrellas where they see another umbrella. So I put mine in a plastic bag which has cost me as much as the umbrella.I am ok. I know it is killing umbrella’s life but I don’t care. I have enough money. I am ready to buy another umbrella even in this season.


Friday, August 7, 2009

Joke Joke Joke Joke

You better think twice if it happens that your leader is a lawyer...

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside, eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?''We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied 'We have to eat grass.''Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!''Bring them all, as well, 'the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for takingall of us with you.
'The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!'


Can you please tell me what is this Cartoon about ??

Joke 2 :


John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box; “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me and have a beer?”
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again; “How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?” Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time.. This time, putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted; “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a beer with me?”
A little voice came out of the box:
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting my fucking shoes on!”


Joke 3

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ' This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? ' The boss told her he knew he ' d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant 's question about his 'garage door.'He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ' When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? ' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires…’


Joke 4 :

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )

GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!





Joke 5 :


VIJAYAKANTH'S Dialogues in English


1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can become an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot become a president if u studies in Presidency College

4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop .... u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot bcom a software

6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup

7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard..



Joke 6:


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Joke 7 :

Some XYZ University has done a resource on beers and here is the report

"Beer contains Female Hormones"

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.



Joke 8 :

Marwadi at his best

Marwadi: Kela Kaisa Diya?

S.K: 1 Rs.

Marwadi: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?

S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.

Marwadi:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Marwadi on his death time.

My wife, where r u ?

Wife:Yes, I'm here

My sons daughters ru all here?

Yes, Papa

Marwadi:To phir barabar wale kamre

ka pankha Q chal raha hay ???


Marwadi 14th floor se neche gira

Girte waqt usne

apni ghar ki khirki me

apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha

to chilla k bola

MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!


Marwadi ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.

Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.

Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,

Marwadi ne phir khoon dia.

Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye, Marwadi:Ghusse se poocha :

mercedez kion nahi di?

Sheikh:Munna. !! Ab hamarey ander bhi Marwadi ka khoon daud raha hay


Marwadi called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai,

kya charges hongay?

NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.

Marwadi: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".

Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!

Marwadi: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ........... ..

Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .


Marwadi ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?

Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.

Marwadi ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:

Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.


Marwadi ko bhoot charh gaya ,

3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola, Ojha sahab mujhe

bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga


Titanic K Sath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha

Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?

Marwadi: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda



















Joke 9


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM

OF WHICH, is four."

Joke 10 :

Why would you Fight these Armies?

Surrender happily!




But it is also TRUE

Somali Islamists whip women for wearing bras

Somalia's hardline Muslim extremists have been ordering women to shake their breasts at gunpoint to see if they are wearing un-Islamic bras. According to Daily Mail, the women are publicly whipped for wearing undergarments, as it is deceptive and violate Islam. The insurgent group Al Shabaab has sent gunmen into the streets of Mogadishu to identify any women who appear to have a firm bust, said the residents. The women are then inspected to see if the firmness is natural or the result of wearing a bra, reports Courier Mail. Al Shabaab, which seeks to impose a strict interpretation of Sharia law over all Somalia, ask women to remove the bra and shake their breasts. They are also whipping men caught without a beard. The group has also banned movies, musical ringtones, dancing at wedding ceremonies and playing or watching soccer.

Joke 11 :


See, how people write leave Applications.It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.The Leave Applications ;)

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

________________________________

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days...”
________________________________

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave.."

________________________________

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:


"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

________________________________

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________

An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________

A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________

Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

________________________________
Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
_______________________________

Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
________________________________
A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

Joke 12

What is common between : Krishna , Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied : All are born on Government Holidays.
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Santa went out to buy an Indian flag.
The shop owner gave him the flag..
Guess what did he ask next... Ismein aur colour dikhayiye'.
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Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in school?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board..

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Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
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What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford ?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You should feel happy for yourself

Jose: The man with no face



Jose has one of the most extreme facial tumours ever seen in medical history. The 51-year-old, from Portugal, is in danger of being suffocated by it unless he undergoes drastic surgery. Unemployed, he is blind in one eye as a result of the giant weeping growth that has consumed his features; the tumour has taken over his mouth and tongue, ballooning his lips, twisting his gums and breaking his teeth off. The deep, 15cm long growth - which started as a birth mark when he was just 11 - was sparked by abnormalities in his capillaries and veins. It started to get much bigger when he hit 16 and has been expanding ever since. H e recently flew to the UK to discuss the possibility of surgery to remove part of the tumour. But because his mother was a Jehovah's Witness, he refused any surgery because his religion means he can't have blood transfusions. Doctors in London came up with a plan to remove parts of the growth bit by bit - without transfusion.


Huang Chuncai: 44 pound (20kg) tumor on his face


On 2008, a Chinese man named Huang Chuncai underwent surgery to remove a 20kg or 44 pound tumor on his face. The surgery was successful but due to the large size of the tumor, only a part of it was removed at that time. Just a few days ago, Huang Chuncai went into the operating room again to remove another part of that facial tumor. This time, it was a large 4.5kg (9.9lb) chunk of flesh from his face. The tumor was originally 23kg in total. This still leaves 17.5kg of facial tissue from this tumor on his face (1kg was removed in the first surgery and 4.5kg was removed in the second surgery). Huang Chuncai suffers from Neurofibromatosis, a rare genetic disorder that causes growth on nerve tissues.

Huang Liqian: 33 pound (15Kg) tumor on his neck



This man from China finally had a huge tumour removed on 2007, after discovering it 17 years ago. Huang Liqian, 58, first discovered a bizarre growth on the back of his neck in 1990, but chose to ignore it. However, as the years rolled on, it continued to increase in size at a rapid pace, with the growth ballooning to 15kg. Liqian was taken to the First Affiliated Hospital of Chongging University of Medical Services in southwest China's Chongging, where he had the tumour removed.

Chen Zongtao: 154 pound (70kg) tumor on his right leg


Victim Chen Zongtao, 29, lives in a remote Chinese village and hasn't been able to afford medical help. The growth first started on his left foot when he was two years old. But it soon spread across to his right leg and engulfed it. Over the years, it has ballooned in size to weigh more than 70KG or 154 pounds. Doctors at the hospital in Changsha, central China's Hunan province, have been probing the tumor. Zongtao is said to be suffering from neurofibroma - a usually-benign tumour originating in nerves. It is not yet clear if medical teams plan to take action on the growth.

Gao An-ni: tumor in her underlip



Gao An-ni, an 8-year-old girl from the rural countryside in An Yuan county in East China's Jiangxi Province, suffers from a tumor in her underlip. An-ni was born with a tumor in her underlip, and she couldn't receive timely treatment for the poverty. On 2007, her father took her to see doctors at the Hospital affiliated with Gannan Medical College. But when doctors there told him that the operation to cure the tumor and the following cosmetic surgery might cost a lot for the family, the father decided to bring back his daughter to their hometown.

Lai Ti Dao: 10 pound (4.5KG) tumor on her face


Vietnam's Lai Ti Dao suffered from a massive Schwannoma tumor, a benign growth that began with a small lump in her tongue but swelled over the years to a size roughly one-third her body weight. The tumor makes it difficult to eat, talk and even walk because its size throws the girl’s small frame off balance. The growth is now dangerously close to cutting off her airway. On 2008, a team of surgeons at the University of Miami had a marathon 10-hour procedure to cut away the growth, which weighted an estimated 10 pounds.

Phuon: another facial tumor, no luck

Phuong is a 27-year old who has a facial tumor that began to grow at age 7, and quickly took over his entire left face, enveloping his eye and ear, clearly keeping him from living a normal life. He has had three surgeries before, but the tumor grown back each time. Recently, no local doctors or international team visiting the area has offered to take his case, due to the risk involved with the blood loss and the need for careful post-op care. This case would be considered a difficult case and booked for a full day in the OR.

Chantal Sébire: Suffered from esthesioneuroblasto ma, died through euthanasia


A retired French teacher, Chantal Sébire suffered from esthesioneuroblasto ma, a rare form of cancer, and fought for the right to die through euthanasia. In 2000, she was diagnosed with esthesioneuroblasto ma, a rare form of cancer of which only 200 cases have been reported in the past 20 years. Sébire refused any treatment at the time of her diagnosis, not wishing to take the risk of the surgery or medications. On March 19, 2008, she was found dead in her home. An autopsy conducted on March 21, 2008 concluded that she did not die of natural causes. Subsequent blood tests revealed a toxic concentration of the drug Pentobarbital, a barbiturate that is not available in French pharmacies but is used elsewhere in the world for the purpose of physician assisted suicide.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

KISS KISS KISS

Kissing Facts


1> It is a matter of record that Canadian porcupines kiss one another on the lips.

2>Matrimonial pollsters' studies prove that a man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't do that thing.

3>In medieval Italy kisses weren't taken, or given, lightly..If a man and a woman were seen embracing in public they could be forced to marry!

4>Our brains have special neurons that help us locate each others lips in the dark. ( It's really true too! I've tried it!)

5>It is estimated that the average person will spend about 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime.

6>The first kiss ever shown in a movie was in 1896.The movie, was called The Kiss.

7> Hershey's Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

8>50% of all people kiss before they turn 14.

9>Kissing helps reduce tooth decay.Kissing increases the mouth's production of saliva, and saliva helps clean the mouth thus aides prevention of tooth decay.

10> The world's longest kiss took place on January 28, 2002. Louisa Almodovar and Rich Langly of New Jersey kissed for a record 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds on a segment of "Ricki Lake".


11> You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss.

12> The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.

13> Eskimos, Polynesians and Malaysians rub noses instead of kissing.

14> Romans kissed each other on the eyes or the mouth as a greeting.

15> In Russia, the highest sign of recognition was a kiss from the Tsar.

16> Victorian etiquette required a man to kiss the back of a ladies hand.

17> A standard greeting in Europe is a kiss on both cheeks - could be two. . . could be four.

18> African tribes pay homage to their Chief by kissing the ground where he has walked.

19>In Ireland, you will have good luck if you kiss the Blarney Stone.

20>Most kisses in a single movie - 127 in the movie "Don Juan" (1927). Mary Astor and Estelle Taylor got all of those kisses from John Barrymore.

21>Longest movie kiss - 3 minutes and 5 seconds between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in, "You're in the Army Now" (1941).


22> Beware where you kiss! In some places kissing is a crime - it's illegal in Indiana for a mustached man to "habitually kiss human beings", in Hartford, Connecticut it's illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday, and in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, it's a crime to kiss a stranger.

23> As early as 1500 BC , Sanskrit texts from India depicted toung kisses and
their effects on young maidens