Friday, August 7, 2009

Joke Joke Joke Joke

You better think twice if it happens that your leader is a lawyer...

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside, eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?''We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied 'We have to eat grass.''Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!''Bring them all, as well, 'the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for takingall of us with you.
'The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!'


Can you please tell me what is this Cartoon about ??

Joke 2 :


John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box; “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me and have a beer?”
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again; “How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?” Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time.. This time, putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted; “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a beer with me?”
A little voice came out of the box:
“I heard you the first time! I’m putting my fucking shoes on!”


Joke 3

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ' This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? ' The boss told her he knew he ' d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant 's question about his 'garage door.'He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ' When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? ' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires…’


Joke 4 :

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )

GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!





Joke 5 :


VIJAYAKANTH'S Dialogues in English


1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can become an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot become a president if u studies in Presidency College

4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop .... u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot bcom a software

6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup

7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard..



Joke 6:


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Joke 7 :

Some XYZ University has done a resource on beers and here is the report

"Beer contains Female Hormones"

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.



Joke 8 :

Marwadi at his best

Marwadi: Kela Kaisa Diya?

S.K: 1 Rs.

Marwadi: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?

S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.

Marwadi:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Marwadi on his death time.

My wife, where r u ?

Wife:Yes, I'm here

My sons daughters ru all here?

Yes, Papa

Marwadi:To phir barabar wale kamre

ka pankha Q chal raha hay ???


Marwadi 14th floor se neche gira

Girte waqt usne

apni ghar ki khirki me

apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha

to chilla k bola

MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!


Marwadi ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.

Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.

Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,

Marwadi ne phir khoon dia.

Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye, Marwadi:Ghusse se poocha :

mercedez kion nahi di?

Sheikh:Munna. !! Ab hamarey ander bhi Marwadi ka khoon daud raha hay


Marwadi called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai,

kya charges hongay?

NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.

Marwadi: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".

Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!

Marwadi: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ........... ..

Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .


Marwadi ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?

Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.

Marwadi ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:

Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.


Marwadi ko bhoot charh gaya ,

3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola, Ojha sahab mujhe

bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga


Titanic K Sath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha

Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?

Marwadi: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda



















Joke 9


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM

OF WHICH, is four."

Joke 10 :

Why would you Fight these Armies?

Surrender happily!




But it is also TRUE

Somali Islamists whip women for wearing bras

Somalia's hardline Muslim extremists have been ordering women to shake their breasts at gunpoint to see if they are wearing un-Islamic bras. According to Daily Mail, the women are publicly whipped for wearing undergarments, as it is deceptive and violate Islam. The insurgent group Al Shabaab has sent gunmen into the streets of Mogadishu to identify any women who appear to have a firm bust, said the residents. The women are then inspected to see if the firmness is natural or the result of wearing a bra, reports Courier Mail. Al Shabaab, which seeks to impose a strict interpretation of Sharia law over all Somalia, ask women to remove the bra and shake their breasts. They are also whipping men caught without a beard. The group has also banned movies, musical ringtones, dancing at wedding ceremonies and playing or watching soccer.

Joke 11 :


See, how people write leave Applications.It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.The Leave Applications ;)

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

________________________________

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days...”
________________________________

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter , please grant a week's leave.."

________________________________

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:


"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

________________________________

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________

An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________

A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________

Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

________________________________
Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
_______________________________

Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
________________________________
A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

Joke 12

What is common between : Krishna , Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied : All are born on Government Holidays.
************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Santa went out to buy an Indian flag.
The shop owner gave him the flag..
Guess what did he ask next... Ismein aur colour dikhayiye'.
************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in school?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board..

************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
************ ********* ********* ********* *********
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford ?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

********** ********* ********* *********

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